'T was the Night Before Christmas at the North Pole

Contemporary Version of 'T was the Night Before Christmas
by Linda O'Connell (with apologies to Clement C. Moore)

'T was the night before Christmas at the North Pole
Old Santa was edgy, feeling quite droll.
Mrs. Claus was baking and the house smelled yummy.
Santa walked to the kitchen, sneaked up on his honey.

He reached for a snickerdoodle still warm on the tray.
Big Mama said, "No more! You've eaten two dozen today.
Your cholesterol is up, your triglycerides soaring,
and while I'm at it, I'm tired of your snoring."

"You're going to have to start losing some weight.
And look at the time; it IS getting late."
Chubby old Santa said, "Oh woman, drat!
You're always complaining about this or that.

"Where are my long-johns?" he dared to inquire.
"For Pete's sake," she snapped, "They're still in the dryer."
She wiped her hands on her apron, then turned with a jerk,
grumbled, "Everything around here is woman's work!"

Santa reached for more cookies, munched two, three, then four,
and got cookie crumbs all over the counter and floor.
"Go hitch up the reindeer, go load up your sleigh,
get all the presents and be on your way!"

Santa tugged on his suit, and as Mrs. Claus watched
he loosened his belt another notch.
"Santa, I remember when you had a pillow gut."
"Yes dear." He smirked. "And you had a size seven butt!"

"Santa, I think you should leave now!"
"I think that I will, but first I need my cholesterol pill,
blood pressure too, and one for arthritis
another one for my sinusitis.

"I need Dramamine so that I won't get dizzy,
and a calm-me-down pill so I'm not in a tizzy,
a vitamin C so I don't sniffle and sneeze,
asthma medication so I don't cough and wheeze."

"Be on your way, man! Get going; you're done."
"Wait, my dear, I forgot the last one."
Santa popped a Viagra, climbed into his sleigh,
"The miracle drugs, they have today.

"I'll be back in a jiffy," he smiled with affection,
I have forty-eight hours to get a..."
"LONG WINTER'S NAP!" she exclaimed as he drove out of sight.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

While Santa is the fun part of the season;
let us not forget that Jesus is the reason.