My response to a safety awareness email

I received an email titled 10 TIPS FOR WOMEN ON HOW TO AVOID BEING ABDUCTED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. This is my response to that bunch of hooey.

TIP #1 Don’t sit in your car balancing your check book.
Well now, that would indicate that I had a balance in my check book. No worry there!

TIP #2 Don’t park next to a van or SUV.
Hellooo. Every soccer mom out there drives one. Just where SHOULD I park when I run into Wal-Mart, next to Billy Bob’s pickup displaying a shotgun in the rear window?

TIP #3 Don’t open the door if you hear a baby crying outside.
Not a chance I’ll open the door. I’m not taking in any more strays; I’ve had my share of wailing kittens, puppies and babies.

TIP # 4 Your elbow is the strongest part of the body, use it!
Don’t know about your elbow, but mine has a crazy bone that makes my whole arm go numb when I bump it. What kind of weapon would my floppy arm be?

TIP #5 If someone demands your wallet, don’t hand it to them, throw it.
Yeah, uh huh, with the bursitis in my shoulder I can’t even pitch my underwear into the hamper a foot from the tub.

TIP #6 If a person puts a gun to your head and tells you to get in and drive, accelerate; smash into an object. This will deploy your air bags.Okaayy? So the airbag will cradle my bloody head after the impact causes the criminal’s index finger to depress the trigger?

TIP #7 If someone puts you into the trunk of the car, …
PUTS ME? Come on, not many criminals could lift this hunk of chunky butt into the trunk without drawing attention to one of us groaning loudly.

TIP #8 If you are locked in a trunk, kick out the tail light and wave frantically.
Sure! You think my flailing arm will actually draw more attention than the idiots who drive around with fake arms and tiger tails hanging out of their trunks every Mizzou game weekend?

TIP #9 Beware of men playing on your sympathy. They might ask for help or drop something and ask you to retrieve it.So what’s new? Every woman knows how helpless men are. We’ve been picking up after them for decades, and now we should refuse to help Pops on a cane?

TIP #10 If someone actually pulls a gun and orders you into the car, RUN in a zig-zag pattern. Odds of being hit are 4 in100 and the bullet is unlikely to hit a vital organ.Oh right! Even the thought of moving in a zig-zag pattern makes my vertigo kick in. Besides if my odds of winning at the casino lately are any indication, my chances of survival are pretty slim no matter which choice I make.