Sunday, May 8, 2011

A mother can wish, can't she?

Regardless of age, it isn't easy being the mom and it isn't easy being the kid. The roles reverse as we age. The burdens shift from our shoulders to our childrens'. At some point we parent our parents and worry about them the way they worried about us.

Some moms are feeding and diapering their babies today, and some moms are feeding and diapering their mothers. Life comes full circle. God bless all of you mothers today.

I dreamed her into being. I knew her since I was a little girl. She was a mover and a shaker, high strung in utero, always jabbing and kicking, and I swear she came out with her dukes up. She's always been a get-it-done, do-it-my-own-way kind of girl. She has been successful in all she sets her mind to and she amazes me at her stamina and determination. I am so very proud of her.

I wish I had been less controlling and more patient through the years. If only I could go back and do it again. Now, I know. Then, I was learning ... and oh the mistakes I made.

I cannot explain the euphoria I felt after giving birth to my daughter almost forty-one years ago in an army hospital in Fairbanks, Alaska. I felt the way a mountain climber must feel when she reaches the summit after a long, hard climb. The reward was nothing short of miraculous. The nurses warned us that our newborns would sleep twenty-hours a day. They lied. My baby slept twenty-minutes at a time.

I would look at her tiny, perfect face, blue eyes and little hands and I'd cry. She was mine all mine, my dream come true. I shed a lot of tears those first few weeks and also as the years went by. Tears of joy, pride, frustration, anger, sorrow, heartbreak, forgiveness. I wish I had been more understanding, patient and less controlling. I only wanted the best for her. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change -about myself -not her. She has a heart of gold and will help anyone. She is a good and beautiful person.

I dreamed him into being. I knew him since I was a little girl. I worried that if he were a boy, I wouldn't know how to parent him. I was used to being mom to a girl. How would I care for a boy?

He was a slow mover, he rolled in utero, gently swayed, made his way into the world and has continued in his mild-manner for the past 37 years. The euphoria I felt when I first looked at him made my heart swell bigger than my belly. He was not my son OR my daughter; he was my BABY, and when I held him and looked at him, I cried. Over the years I cried tears of joy, pride, frustration, sorrow, heartbreak, forgiveness.

I wish I had been more understanding, patient and less controlling. I only wanted the best for him. There are so many things (one in particular) I wish I could go back and change -about myself -not him. I wish I could take back my mistakes, my regrets. He has so much love and forgiveness in his heart. He is a good and beautiful person. I am so proud of him. He has a good and beautiful wife. I wish I could have been her mother!

I wish for my children the patience and understanding that only comes with time and shows up when you truly believe your parental duties and responsibilities are finally over. It is about that time that your children present you with grandchildren, and suddenly you DO have the patience and understanding with their children that you didn't have with them.

I wish my daughter and son would quit saying, "Why weren't you that way when I was little?" or "Nana never let ME do that!"

I dreamed them into being, I knew them since I was a little girl. I did not have a hand in rearing them, but my stepdaughters are also my pride and joy.
Ever since I can remember wanting to be a mommy, my heart's desire was for three girls and a boy. I now have three daughters and a son; in marrying their dad, my wish came true. They are good and beautiful people. I am proud to be their stepmom.


I wish and pray that they all have good lives, good health, and goodness in their hearts for all the rest of their days.

I wish that today, the angels in heaven will give my mom a special hug from me and my children and their children. God bless all of our moms. In my childrens' hearts and eyes and expressions and attitudes, I see myself and my mother, and for that, I am grateful.

22 comments:

Sioux said...

Linda---What a lovely tribute to your kids (born of your flesh or not, they're all part of your heart). Your post inspires me to write today...

BECKY said...

Happy Mother's Day, Linda!

Odie Langley said...

That was wonderful Linda. Happy Mother's Day

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Beautiful tribute. Happy Mother's Day!

Susan said...

Oh, Linda, that was great and beautifully written. Loved it. Hope you have a sweet and wonderful day. Susan

Clara Gillow Clark said...

Happy Mother's Day, Linda! I wish, too. . .

jabblog said...

You echo what so many parents feel but we're human, we make mistakes and we suffer for them - probably unduly! A perfect parent would be a perfect pain and impossible for our children to emulate.

Thisisme. said...

Your writing is quite special, Linda. That was a beautiful post and you have expressed all your emotions so well. I'm sure your (all) children realize just how lucky they are to have a mum like you. It's not mothers day here in England, but I'm sharing it with all my American friends, and, like you, I hope that an angel is looking after my own dear mum today.

tracboy2 said...

Mom, that was so sweet! You made me cry. You have been a wonderful mother to all of us and I know Gram is smiling down on all of us from Heaven :)
Thanks for being you! Love you! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Tracey

Susan Fobes said...

Happy Mother's Day Linda!

Debora said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. You've so wonderfully expressed exactly how I feel about my mothering experience. I think it's that bit of regret that suits us for grandparenthood. It's hard to be objective and unconditionally love as a parent; we have so many ideals we want to achieve with our children. By grandparenthood, we just want to love them. Maybe that's how it's meant to be. Thank you for a wonderful Mother's Day gift!

Claudia Moser said...

lovely ... you are so lucky to have wonderful children!

Julia Gordon-Bramer said...

Gorgeous, Linda. Thank you so much for writing this, and sharing it with us.

Happy Mother's Day!

Chatty Crone said...

Oh Linda - I hope you had a wonderful mother's day - your sentense "Why weren't you that way when I was little?" or "Nana never let ME do that!" is one I hear often.

I wasn't a perfect parent by any means - but I do know I loved them and I know I did my best for what I knew at the time.

Of course time passed and I grew up. I realized all the things I thought were important weren't.

So I am so much more relaxed now and see things just are not that important!

Love,
sandie

Linda O'Connell said...

Thank you all for stopping by and commenting about this post. Motherhood is the hardest job on earth and nobody tells you when they put that beautiful baby in your arms that it will be a person who has a will of his her own. Shocking, huh? :)

Lynn said...

Happy Mother's Day Linda!

Tammy said...

Oh, Linda. I teared up at how you dreamed them into being and it didn't let up from there. And what's more, you described my children (though switched) and my experiences. Lovely, lovely post.

Tammy said...

Oh--P.S. Happy Mother's Day!

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Happy Mother's Day, Linda! Beautiful memories.

irishoma said...

Hi Linda,
I wish you a Happy Mother's Day.
Donna

Jennifer Brown Banks said...

Lovely, lovely post Linda. Thanks so much for sharing it.

K9friend said...

Beautifully expressed, Linda. I hope your Mother's Day was equally lovely.

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com