Saturday, May 7, 2011

Suck it up!

Yesterday I had a "tea party" for all of our mommies at preschool. The kids drew pictures of their mothers and told candid stories about them. Those little darlings think their mamas are 13, 75, 21. They tell all of the family secrets, "My mama sleeps in the same bed as my daddy. She yells loud as a lion and she tells my dad and ME what to do." They explain why mama chose their daddy and give details about the wedding. "He was walking down the street and she liked his strong muscles. He smiled at her and looked nice. She calls him hunky boy and tells him to clean the floors."

Almost all of them say, "She got married fifty years ago (or last week) but I was in my mama's tummy then." The mother's all need tissues to wipe away the tears from laughing so hard; a few actually cry. These are precious mementos, and I have seen them framed and on display in former student's homes decades later.

So the party went well until the very end. I had to dress up because I was headed to a wedding right after school. I usually wear pants and flats to school, but I wore a black skirt and silky blouse and heels. I knew I couldn't suck in the belly for a long period as I was standing before the class addressing the mothers. The control top panty hose had about as much control as the mamas over their kid's secret-telling. So I scrunched my gut into an old fashioned girdle that looks like a belly band with about a dozen strategically positioned foot-long stays that allow me to giggle without the jiggle. I know these days Spanx are the in thing, but I figured I could endure the misery for a few hours. Just before dismissal, I bent to pick something up and my girdle unfurled, it rolled one way and my belly fat escaped like a muffin top the other way. I darted to the bathroom and removed the damned thing, and finally breathed a sigh of relief. Forget wearing that torture device to the wedding. Those people know me and my flab personally. I was happy to be unconstricted. I rolled that girdle jelly roll-fashion, folded it in half and shoved in under my blouse and into my purse. I thanked all the moms for coming and as the last mom was leaving I kicked off my heels and slipped into my flats. I tossed my shoes into my purse and almost screamed when that damned girlde popped up like a ghostly Jack in the box. She looked at my purse, and then at me. I looked at my purse and then at her. She graciously said, "Well, let me give you a hug and thank you for everything." Believe me, I wanted to thank her for not mentioning what she'd just witnessed.

Normally I would blow this sort of thing off, but this woman is a well known reporter on a local station. I am so afraid to turn on the news this morning and hear her editorial commentary.

Off to a graduation so I'm going to miss the news. If you all hear anything about a teacher with an escaping girdle, don't tell me.

14 comments:

jabblog said...

The roll-away girdle and the escaping fat had me laughing, rather ruefully. I hope your reporter mum keeps quiet and that you enjoyed the wedding.

K9friend said...

Tee-hee! Funny story, Linda! I've tried those crazy Spanx. They don't hold in my fat at all. Instead they simply push it up to bulge out over the top. Not a pretty look at all.

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

Susan said...

Linda, that was the funniest post of yours that I have ever read. It was really hilarious. First I read Dayle's post over at A Collection of This and That and cried into my Special K. Then I read yours and couldn't stop laughing. Blogging is definitely a good way to start the day!

I didn't even know they MADE those girdles with stays anymore. I have a couple of stories of my own about those! Ha ha Some day I'll share them.

Have a wonderful day and wedding. NO GIRDLES ALLOWED. Susan

Thisisme. said...

Really funny post today, and I can just imagine it all happening. As the others say, those 'magic pants' they call them over here in England, just don't work. They just push it all up til you can hardly do up your waistband!! LOL!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

So often, I get up and think it's going to be another ho-hum day - then I read your blog and I get my first big laugh, and the day is off to a great start!

Thank you!

Tammy said...

I agree with June--it's so nice to start the day giggling between your students' comments and your girdle-wrestling antics!

Claudia Moser said...

Funny and lovely, the kids must have been great!

irishoma said...

You had me laughing out loud. What funny images. I hope you had a great time at the wedding.
So far I haven't heard any reports on TV about a run-away girdle.
donna

Odie Langley said...

That was some story and all the while I was thinking she is giving me way too much information about this occurance. I am so glad it all turned out ok for you. Happy Mother's Day
Odie

Sioux said...

I've seen scary movies about how Mothra terrorizes a whole city full of people. Flicks showing what King Kong can do to crowded streets. But nothing as terrifying as the protruding poochy belly when it is finally unleashed. (Shudder.)

BECKY said...

So funny, Linda!! You'll have to e-mail me and whisper the reporter's name!! ;)

Lynn said...

That's funny! I stayed off the computer - almost all day - but had to check email which then led to reading blogs... nice to end the day with a laugh!

Angela Ackerman said...

Hillarious. I remember girdles--torture devices if you ask me!

Kids say the best stuff about their parents. I remember in kindergarten one of my son's best friends told the class how his mom got paid to yell at her secretary all day. (She's a lawyer, and one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet!). haha

Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

Janet, said...

I used to wear one of those things that snapped together in the front, and I didn't even need to wear it. I need to wear one now, but don't. Very funny post.