Suck it up!

Yesterday I had a "tea party" for all of our mommies at preschool. The kids drew pictures of their mothers and told candid stories about them. Those little darlings think their mamas are 13, 75, 21. They tell all of the family secrets, "My mama sleeps in the same bed as my daddy. She yells loud as a lion and she tells my dad and ME what to do." They explain why mama chose their daddy and give details about the wedding. "He was walking down the street and she liked his strong muscles. He smiled at her and looked nice. She calls him hunky boy and tells him to clean the floors."

Almost all of them say, "She got married fifty years ago (or last week) but I was in my mama's tummy then." The mother's all need tissues to wipe away the tears from laughing so hard; a few actually cry. These are precious mementos, and I have seen them framed and on display in former student's homes decades later.

So the party went well until the very end. I had to dress up because I was headed to a wedding right after school. I usually wear pants and flats to school, but I wore a black skirt and silky blouse and heels. I knew I couldn't suck in the belly for a long period as I was standing before the class addressing the mothers. The control top panty hose had about as much control as the mamas over their kid's secret-telling. So I scrunched my gut into an old fashioned girdle that looks like a belly band with about a dozen strategically positioned foot-long stays that allow me to giggle without the jiggle. I know these days Spanx are the in thing, but I figured I could endure the misery for a few hours. Just before dismissal, I bent to pick something up and my girdle unfurled, it rolled one way and my belly fat escaped like a muffin top the other way. I darted to the bathroom and removed the damned thing, and finally breathed a sigh of relief. Forget wearing that torture device to the wedding. Those people know me and my flab personally. I was happy to be unconstricted. I rolled that girdle jelly roll-fashion, folded it in half and shoved in under my blouse and into my purse. I thanked all the moms for coming and as the last mom was leaving I kicked off my heels and slipped into my flats. I tossed my shoes into my purse and almost screamed when that damned girlde popped up like a ghostly Jack in the box. She looked at my purse, and then at me. I looked at my purse and then at her. She graciously said, "Well, let me give you a hug and thank you for everything." Believe me, I wanted to thank her for not mentioning what she'd just witnessed.

Normally I would blow this sort of thing off, but this woman is a well known reporter on a local station. I am so afraid to turn on the news this morning and hear her editorial commentary.

Off to a graduation so I'm going to miss the news. If you all hear anything about a teacher with an escaping girdle, don't tell me.