Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Who do I think I'm kidding?


As I sit in my soft, extra padded office chair I wonder: how did my soft, extra  padded bottom get so wide that it now spreads to the edge of my seat?

I raised my shirt to see about an itch on my stomach. I looked down and wondered whose gut was on display. I thought I only had wrinkles on my face! I rushed to the full length mirror and shivered in fright at the gut gulleys that will soon fill in with flab. I tried to straighten up and stretch my torso taut.

Who am I kidding? I may as well wait for the filler. It's not like spritzing a T shirt and stretching the material to reshape it. Reaching overhead did raise a couple of questions. Do I really need a new bra with heavy duty straps, or do I just need to improve my posture? Instead of "Writer, Butt-In-Chair", maybe I need to get my butt out and jazz it up. Not gussy it up, jazz around the house, move it like a sugared up preschooler. Goodness knows I eat enough sugar.

I'm anticipating the Olympics since the Super Bowl was such a flop. I thought of my high school senior year. I was physically fit. My bottom fit into a size 10 (for twenty-five subsequent years) and I could "haul ass" as kids used to say. Although, as someone I know playfully says, it would probably take two trips these days.

He isn't funny. Don't laugh!

Seriously, although I was fit, I failed the Presidential Physical Fitness test, because even if my life depended on it, I could not do a push up or climb a rope. But I could do sit ups in time to chewing bubble gum. I outpaced everyone. I hated running and couldn't toss a ball to first base, but you should have seen my long jump...even though it ended as a face plant.

The P.E. activity I liked most was the stationary horses and parallel bars. I could run, mount, swing my legs up and over, hover. I had tight buns, abs of steel and imaginary boobs. As I walked down the hallowed halls to the new gymnasium for the last time, I wondered if I could retain my figure without the fitness props. How long would it be before my body betrayed me?

I'm here to tell you, it's been a slow betrayal, but the day has come. My hiney is hefty, my boobs are heavy, and SNOW, mucho snow is on the way. I will get my butt out of this chair, and I'll probably end up under a cozy blanket on the couch if tomorrow is a school snow day.

If this weather ever clears, I vow to get my gluteus maximus up and shake a tail feather. Oh how I used to love to dance to that song!

   

43 comments:

jabblog said...

One's new, not improved, shape creeps up quietly until one day the reflection in the mirror - or the clothes straining at the seams - reveal the awful truth. However, it happens to everyone and all one can hope is to keep it within reasonable bounds. We are not going to be 18 again (actually, thank goodness!)

Shelly said...

It's twice as hard with age battling us, but I do love working out now more than ever before. You can do it- and I'll be thinking about the tail feather all day!

Sioux said...

That Ray Charles number...Louis Prima's "Jump, Jive and Wail" is another favorite. Along with (of course) Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive."

Some SA said, "It would probably take two trips"? Wait! Do I see a larger-than-life creature scaling the Empire State Building?

Run! Run for your life!

Bookie said...

I can so identify here...although I have always fought this battle, never thin. Now it is so hard not to say, I give up...I surrender.

Joanne Noragon said...

I signed on with a physical trainer, started today and didn't reach baby level. Long way to go, but the dear woman cheered me on. I know it sounds like a source of steady income, but I know she wants me to kick ass, too.

Val said...

Well, in the plus column...you don't have to take a cushion to sporting events, plays, and concerts.

K9friend said...

Yet another not-so-fun fact about getting older...a slower metabolism. Ugh!

Pat
Critter Alley

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

You made me laugh AND feel better about my not-so-firm self. Menopause has hit in the last year and I've learned that a weight-loss program no longer means weight loss for me. A weight-loss program these days means I'll maintain my weight without gaining more. Ugh!

River said...

"jazz around the house like a sugared up preschooler" I do that now and again, when the radio is playing music I love to dance to, but I always pay for it by being nearly unable to move for a few days after.
I'm keeping a close eye on my butt too, hasn't yet reached the edges of my chair...
I don't have wrinkles on my face yet, not that I can see without a bright torch anyway, but I discovered cleavage wrinkles the other day. When the heck did they settle in there? I didn't notice them coming and they've invited their whole family to stay.

Carol OurSearsKitHome said...

Ah, the ways we change as the years pass. Darn it!
BTW, I was terrible in P.E., and did terrible on that loathsome Presidential Fitness Test, too.

Weekend-Windup said...

Working out more with our body will make our body in good posture...

Susan Sundwall said...

Butt, you know, if it wasn't in the chair we wouldn't have your wonderful writing. So there! Now, don't you feel better? =0)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I surrender ..... I have weighed pretty much the same for the past 10 years.

Daisy said...

I'm right there with you. I have never been able to climb a rope either, and I do love to dance even if I can't move it as fast as when I was younger. Thanks for the smiles today. :-)

Janet, said...

I think it happens to the best of us, Linda. And...you are one of the winners on my blog. Could you send me your email so your digital subscription to Two-Lane Livin' can be sent to you? wvsmarties@yahoo.com

Lynn said...

I've learned to start off slow and do just a little otherwise I'm too overwhelmed and can't do anything... exercise that is.

Cathy C. Hall said...

Hahahahaha! Oh, Linda, it happens to the best of us. I was all set to get up and going, come January 1st. But I got up and went over a gate (while holding the dog). It's been butt-in-chair for me for a month.

And I'm okay with that. :-)

Chicken said...

Or you could join me at Starbucks for a latte and a cookie. I would enjoy that.

Tammy said...

Well, you lightened my load (the mental, not the physical one) with the resulting laughter. It helps. I take what I can get these days.

BECKY said...

Oh my gosh, I can always count on Val to leave some of the best comments! LOL

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