Contemporary Version of  'T Was the Night Before Christmas
Linda O'Connell

'T was the night before Christmas at the North Pole.
Old Santa was edgy, feeling quite droll.
Mrs. Claus was baking, and the house smelled yummy.
Santa walked into the kitchen, sneaked up on his honey.

He reached for a snicker-doodle still warm on the tray.
Big Mama said, "No more! You've eaten two dozen today.
Your cholesterol is up, your triglycerides soaring.
Absolutely no more, and I’m tired of your snoring.

"You're going to have to start losing some weight.
And do you realize the time? It IS getting late."
Chubby old Santa said, "Oh, Woman, drat!
You're always complaining about this or that.

"Where are my long Johns?" he dared to inquire.
"For Pete's sake," she said, "They're still in the dryer."
She wiped her hands on her apron and turned with a jerk
Mumbled under her breath, "It's all women's work!"

"Get dressed, dear old Santa, go hitch up the sleigh.
Get all the presents and be on your way."
Santa tugged on his suit, and as Mrs. Claus watched
he loosened his belt another notch.

She snickered. "Remember when you had a pillow-gut?"
"Yes, and back then, Mrs. Claus, you had a size seven butt!"
"Hrmph! I think you should leave now!"
"I think that I will, but first I need my cholesterol pill.

"Blood pressure pill and one for my arthritis,
another one for my sinusitis.
I'll pop a Dramamine so I won't get dizzy,
a calm-me-down pill, so I'm not in a tizzy.

"Vitamin C so I don't sniffle and sneeze,
Asthma medication so I don't hack and wheeze."
"Be on your way, Man! Get going; you're done.”
"Wait," Santa shouted, "I forgot just one."

He popped a Viagra, climbed into his sleigh.
"Ah, the miracle drugs they have today!
I'll be back in a jiffy," he smiled with affection
I have forty-eight hours to get a…"

"LONG WINTER'S NAP!" she exclaimed as he drove out of sight...
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!