With apologoies to Clement C. Moore

Contemporary Version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
by Linda O’Connell, with apologies to Clement C. Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas at the North Pole
Old Santa was edgy, feeling quite droll.
Mrs. Claus was baking, and the house smelled yummy.
Santa walked into the kitchen, snuck up on his honey.

He reached for a snicker-doodle still warm on the tray.
Mama said, "No more! You’ve eaten two dozen today.
Your cholesterol is up, your triglycerides soaring.
Absolutely no more, and I’m tired of your snoring.

"You’re going to have to start losing some weight.
And do you realize the time? It IS getting late."
Chubby old Santa said, "Oh, Woman, drat!
You're always complaining about this or that.
"Where are my long Johns?" he dared to inquire.
"For Pete’s sake," she said, "They're still in the dryer."
She wiped her hands on her apron and turned with a jerk,
mumbled under her breath, "It’s all women’s work!"

"Get dressed. Hitch your reindeer, load up the sleigh.
Get all the presents and be on your way."
Santa tugged on his suit, and as Mrs. Claus watched
he had to loosen his belt another notch.

"Dear Santa, remember when you had a pillow-gut?"
"Yes Mama, and back then, you had a size seven butt!"
"I think you should leave now!"
"I think that I will, but first I need my cholesterol pill.

Blood pressure too and one for arthritis,
and another one for my sinusitis.
A Dramamine pill so I won’t get dizzy,
a calm-me-down pill, so I’m not in a tizzy.

Vitamin C so I don’t sniffle and sneeze,
Asthma medication so I don’t hack and wheeze."
"Be on your way, Man! Get going; you’re done.""Wait," Santa shouted, "I forgot just one.”"

He popped a Viagra, climbed into his sleigh.
"Ah, the miracle drugs they have today!
I’ll be back in a jiffy," he smiled with affection
"I have forty-eight hours to get a…"

"LONG WINTER’S NAP!" she exclaimed as he drove out of sight.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!