Monday, December 31, 2012

Forget fingerprints!

We took my wedding ring to the jeweler in the mall. The prongs on the head were worn and have to be replaced, so I will be without my rings for two weeks. I feel lost without them.

I said to the man who can shop daily in the same hardware store for bargains, "You go on down to Sears and I will look in Claire's or Icing (kid's jewelry shop) for a cheap costume ring."

Actually I didn't want to be seen in public tonight all gussied up appearing to be an unmarried floozy. I need a ring on my finger. So I walked into the store and was approached by the sophomore behind the counter who kept a wary eye on me.

I found a ring display; each ring was wired to a small card. I found one I liked, slipped that size five ring onto my size six finger, and as soon as it passed over my knuckle I knew! It was stuck, locked on, not budging a bit. My eyes bulged! I had the mother of long-forgotten hot flashes. I gulped. I imagined security watching me on video. I imagined them calling the cops, the fire department.

I put that card to my lips and lubricated that finger. Okay, I slobbered all over the ring. My lipstick smeared the card a pretty shade of pink. I twisted my finger. But that ring wouldn't turn left or right, slide back or forth. I walked around holding my hand out "admiring" the ring on the card attached to my finger, wondering what in the world I was going to do. That's when three young teens came in to browse, and the sales girl went to assist them. I grabbed a bottle of antibacterial soap behind her counter, slopped a glob onto my ring finger and slimed that ring right off my hand. I sighed loudly with relief and hung that card back up.

It looks so pretty and pink hanging there among the plain white ones. I will never go back into that store. Forget fingerprints, they have my lip prints on file at that store.

I am ringless for two weeks. I don't care if I do look like a girlfriend instead of a wife at the dance tonight. If I can get my heels up high enough I'll kick my own behind.

14 comments:

Linda Austin said...

Ewwww! Imagining the innocent young girls perusing the ring section to find... thanks for a good laugh, Linda!

Joanne Noragon said...

They are comfort more than vanity, so don't be too tough on yourself. Although if you can kick you own behind, I'd love to hear about.

Bobby Smith said...

Well I'd say enjoy your two weeks,and let your floozy shine! (only to your hubby I should add ;) Great piece!

K9friend said...

Just imagine you're out with your boyfriend on an honest-to-goodness date. That could lead to a very interesting evening.

Pat
Critter Alley

Susan said...

Funny, Linda. That was QUITE an experience! Yowsers.

Take care and have a happy, ringless new year! Susan

Susan Sundwall said...

Okay, Linda. Deep down - isn't there a floozy who's dying to get out? You just enjoy your new status for the next few weeks, girl. Have a doozy of a New Year!

Val said...

Fingerprints? The science teacher in me screams "DNA!" They have your saliva.

I will be glad to loan you my size six wedding rings for two weeks. I rarely wear them for everyday. I'm not a jewelry kind of person. Hick rarely wears his, either, what with having his hands in electrical boxes throughout the workday.

Now all you have to do is track me down and hold out your hand. Don't panic--Hick is not included in the deal.

Bookie said...

I have done this very thing! It is worse as we get older and those knuckles are tricky things. Also my fingers are big to begin with...so knuckles swelling makes it worse. I probably should use Mason jar ring and forget it! Have a good time at the dance tonight!

Daisy said...

Oh my, this made me laugh! Haha! Have fun tonight. Wishing you a very happy New Year. :)

thisisme said...

This was so funny, Linda. Just imagine if all this was caught on the Store's video system. I shouldn't go back there if I were you. Wishing you a very happy and healthy new year my friend.

Sioux said...

This might make a wonderful "first time" story for NYMB. It could be written as the first time you got a costume ring stuck on your finger...or the first time you almost got arrested in a kids' jewelery store...or the first time you escaped from a ring, via slobber and slime.

This made me laugh, Linda. Bill must think that every day with you is like another episode of "I Love Lucy."

Carol OurSearsKitHome said...

That is hilarious. Isn't it something how when the ring doesn't fit, your finger seems to swell larger than real life as you attempt to get it off!!??
I know how you feel. I've had to do without my rings before. Don't care for it.

Tammy said...

Oh my gosh, you are Lucie! Loved the story, and hope you enjoyed being cheap-ring-kissing girlfriend for a night.

Alice said...

Thanks for sharing and making me smile. Loved the ending.