Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I kid you not!


Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Billie, my Sweet William

New Year's Eve was one we'll talk about for a long time. My honey and I were to meet another couple at a banquet hall. We walked in to meet our friends and saw another couple seated at our table for ten. The woman and Bill screeched, laughed, hugged. Everyone looked on bewildered. I imagined it was an old girlfriend as she giggled and shouted, "NO! Not you! At OUR table?" Turns out she was one of his team members from volleyball from two years ago. They were old buddies.

The three of us couples all got along very well and wondered aloud about the other couples who would soon be seated at our table. In walks a young, thin woman, perhaps thirty years old, standing six feet two, wearing a glitzy formal and goofy grin, towering a full twelve inches over a thin, bearded man, perhaps 70 years old (Willy Nelson without the pony tail). We all smiled and greeted them. So nice of her to bring her father for New Year's.

He reached into his pocket and retrieved a fat, bullet-shaped, palm-sized, two piece, wooden object and twanged, "Watch this! You all look like idiots, so you can all try this." He proceeded to hook the rocket shaped top to the bottom half with a rubber band and snapped it. Then he pulled it apart and said, "I want you all to try it." I whispered to Bill's volley ball friend, "That play toy looks like something I don't ever want to touch." She snorted.

Bill tried, and of course it wouldn't work. Her father cackled and said, "It's an idiot's toy. It's a trick, see? Here-here, ladies, you try."

NO freaking way.

I smiled at the poor old soul and thought, How nice of this young lady to bring her dad out of THE HOME for New Year's Eve.

He picked up his daughter's hand, introduced her and kissed the top of her hand. She returned the gesture, slobbering and licking all over his hand. He looked at my Bill and said, "We may have a big age difference between us, but I love my wife."

She flashed her bejeweled wet, left hand, puckered up and said, "And baby, I love you, too." They swapped spit like teenagers in heat.

Sometimes smiling and nodding is all you can do. He looked at all of us seated around the table.
"My name's Walter, what's yours?" he asked.
 Bill stated his name. Our friend (also Bill) stated his name, and the old guy looked suspiciously around the table at us. I pointed to my girlfriend to my left and said, "This is my friend, Bill, and my name is Bill."  
Bill's volleyball  friend, Peggy said, "And my name is Billie, and this is my date, Bill."

That'll teach the old buzzard to call our table a bunch of idiots.

Turns out he was rolling in dough $$ and they were both liquored up before they even arrived. He stated that he was still working as a utility line man. I whispered cattily to the female "Bill's" on either side of me that she probably was a pole climber too and I'd bet a week's pay that they met in a bar where her dance alias was Billie Jean.

I know, I wasn't nice, but oh boy did we "idiots" have fun laughing.

The May-December couple continued to get blitzed-er. None of the rest of us at the table drank alcohol. At the stroke of midnight, the odd couple stood up to stagger around the table and hug each of us. I slid down in my chair and hid under the long white linen table cloth. One of the "idiots" pulled the table cloth back and revealed my whereabouts. This sent the odd couple into swaying, hysterical laughter. She bellowed, "Ha-ha-ha-ha, and I thought I was drunk! She's way drunker than me. I haven't even thrown up yet, and she's already under the table."

I should have stayed there. She leaned WAYYY down to hug me and he reached over and patted me on the head. Then, they shouted, "Happy New Year!" and weaved their way to the foyer and out to their car. "God help all of us!" I said aloud.

 I also said a silent prayer that they'd arrive home safely.

This was one of the most memorable New Year's Eves we've ever had.

And how does yours compare? None of this is even slightly embellished. Ask, Bill...any of them.
P.S. The fifth couple never showed up. Thank goodness.
 

16 comments:

Debra Mayhew said...

Ha haaa!!! Wow - what a night! My New Year's Eve wasn't quite as fun... had to take a sick little boy to the hospital. He's doing better after IV fluids, but it was a pretty stressful night. Then again, maybe you would've preferred that to your evening. :) Thanks for the laugh, Linda. Happy New Year and congrats on your acceptance!!

Kim said...

Linda, you seem to find yourself in the most interesting situations - and I thought I was the weirdo magnet!

You win this one!

We stayed home and yelled "Happy New Year" to each other from opposite ends of the house.

My only crime was in listening to an audiobook downloaded from the library - and my card expired yesterday.

I keep thinking the authorities will be knocking on my door any minute now.

Val said...

You're lucky that Tail-Less Willie Nelson did not try to make you his new woman, what with no wedding ring to ward him off.

I'm wondering if his wife had long dark hair, parted in the middle. Just to test a theory that my husband came up with.

Tammy said...

Linda (aka Bill #3 if I counted correctly), your knack for attracting weirdos is a blessing to a clever storyteller like you. Not to mention those of us who get to hear about your excitement. And this one gets first (are you ready for it?) billing!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Oh, my, were they perhaps traveling in a monstrous RV, looking to park? I had a call about availability, then shortly after that, a call back, saying they couldn't make it this far ....

K9friend said...

A couple of drinks with dinner, then home by 7:00. Hubby snoring by 7:30. Happy New Year!

Pat
Critter Alley

Daisy said...

Oh my goodness! Sounds like it was quite an adventure!

We had dinner out and then returned home and played a board game with the kids and watched the ball drop. We had a very quiet but nice evening. :-)

Susan Sundwall said...

And you without your rings!! LOL We had dinner with friends than back to one of their homes for dessert and cards. We didn't have near the fun time you and Bill, Bill, Bill and well - you know.

Sioux said...

How much was the BILL for this evening of fun? It sounds like you got your money's worth, whatever it was.

We went to a friend's house--we go there every NYE--and left early--by 10:30. Too old. Too tired. And since none of us were named Bill, we didn't have nearly as much fun as you guys did.

Susan said...

Hi Linda...Hope your new year is super!

Your new year's eve was more eventful than mine. It started out great with a delicious seafood dinner (you'll see it on my blog soon) but then, after the guests left, hubs went down to the mancave.

I stayed alone by the fire in the living room. At midnight, my hubs of 39 years marriage came up to join me in watching the New Yorkers on tv welcome the new year.

That was it. Susan

Carol OurSearsKitHome said...

Oh my gosh! Ours?
We had a little argument, and I went to bed at 10. That's all I know.

Cathy C. Hall said...

Hahahaha! And on a related note, why is New Year's Eve always so weird? Or do some of us just attract weird??? :-)

Donna Volkenannt said...

Oh, what a night and a funny way to remember the last day of 2012. Sure that guy's name wasn't Hugh Heffner. I heard the 86-year-old wed his 26-ear-old bride.

Lynn said...

How funny. You certainly have a way with storytelling! Happy New Year!

Mary Horner said...

Interesting evening! Mine was much more boring.

Janet said...

I believe you when you say this really happened, but you could probably tell this at the Liars Contest we have every summer in Charleston - and win! You live a very interesting life. When the clock struck midnight here, I went in and woke my husband and gave him a kiss. Very exciting.