Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Someone has an eye on me, and if I find out...


I swear ever since we've changed internet providers someone has had an eye on me. I banged my belly on the key board as I shoved my chair close to the computer and got a pop up in bold letters: HOW TO GET RID OF BELLY BLOAT. Really?!
All these ads are convincing me there's a spy in our computer (which does not have an attached camera by the way.)  Hewy with the worn off key board letters must be in on the conspiracy.

While the baby napped yesterday, I crept into the kitchen, removed a caramel crunch pastry from the white bakery bag as quietly as possible, so as not to alert Liam or his name sake snoozing in the recliner...losing weight. You heard me.

I diet. I gain. He eats light, and loses pounds, and apparently stamina, so he naps.


I poured a cup of coffee and tiptoed into the home office holding my Danish on a paper towel. I set my coffee down, eased into my chair, and dunked a piece of that delicious sugary dough. Quietly. I didn't want anyone to discover my contraband, ask for a bite, or nag me that a bite was too much. MY belly. MY bloat. MY Danish...my scale.

Turned on the computer and there it was: ONE EASY EXERCISE DESTROYS BLOOD SUGAR. As I blew a quiet raspberry, a piece of caramel crunch splattered on the monitor. I wiped off  the screen so I could see the next personal attack.
FOUR STAGES TO A HEART ATTACK with a photo of a big toe. Odd. I'd gone to the doctor the day before for excruciating big toe pain, which lasted 24 hours and completely subsided when I sat down for the exam. Doc and I both thought that a bit strange, but strange things have been happening ever since we've changed internet providers. She diagnosed a bacterial infection from a tear in the cuticle bed. She gave me eye drop antibiotics and told me to use two drops every four hours...On. My. Big. Toe! Really?!

Now I know I am old and have one foot in the grave, but the next ad pushed it too far with bold letters: CREMATION vs. BURIAL. I almost died when I saw the price comparisons. Convinced me one day I will finally have a smoking hot body.
The next ad's enticement: TRIPLE X NOT SOLD IN STORES!
I averted my gaze thinking it might have been... well you know.


The visual was an extra large T-shirt imprinted with O'CONNELL...AN ENDLESS LEGEND.
In his own mind, maybe, and no I am not going to buy him something that would make his head swell too big for his own T shirt neck hole.

And then I read the clincher:  CONFLICTED: THE URGE TO HUG AND STRANGLE SOMEONE AT THE SAME TIME 
If I admitted to my doctor I occasionally feel conflicted...well forget it...I am not taking any more of her mismatched medications! Mood altering drugs would probably make me paranoid.

And if I find out who's been spying on me...

8 comments:

Connie said...

It's scary and a bit uncanny how those ads follow us around on the internet. It feels like we are being spied on because we are in a sense. Those ads are targeted to certain people of a certain age and demographic, and they always seem to find me too. I hope you got to enjoy your pastry at least. :)

Kim said...

Facebook is spying on you. It tracks any sites you visit for shopping, then conveniently places triggered ads in your feed. Google does the same with search terms...they are trying to monetize every keyboard click we make.

Bookie said...

Very similar feelings and experiences here! Then when you sit down for a little TV at night you get nothing but ads for meds that will kill you if disease doesn't or for sexual dyfunction drugs that make the world sound like a sex marathon going on out there!

Sioux said...

Smokin' hot body, due to cremation.

Too funny, Linda.

Val said...

At least the granny panties ad hasn't found you yet!

Donna Volkenannt said...

It's amazing (and frightening), isn't it? A few weeks ago, after I Googled something to research a city in Europe, I started receiving ads from travel agencies. Same goes after I researched vitamins. Got a lot of vitamin ads.

Just this morning I read an article about how our phones are now spying on us.

Better go in case someone is monitoring what I'm typing here.

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

I had someone (who shall remain nameless) tell me he had spiders checking all the places I went on the Internet. Super creepy. The person is no longer a friend.

K9friend said...

Yes, indeed. The price of using the internet is loss of privacy. I know it's true, but haven't stopped my surfing habit yet.

Pat
Critter Alley