Someone has an eye on me, and if I find out...

I swear ever since we've changed internet providers someone has had an eye on me. I banged my belly on the key board as I shoved my chair close to the computer and got a pop up in bold letters: HOW TO GET RID OF BELLY BLOAT. Really?!

All these ads are convincing me there's a spy in our computer (which does not have an attached camera by the way.)  Hewy with the worn off key board letters must be in on the conspiracy.

While the baby napped yesterday, I crept into the kitchen, removed a caramel crunch pastry from the white bakery bag as quietly as possible, so as not to alert Liam or his name sake snoozing in the recliner...losing weight. You heard me.

I diet. I gain. He eats light, and loses pounds, and apparently stamina, so he naps.

I poured a cup of coffee and tiptoed into the home office holding my Danish on a paper towel. I set my coffee down, eased into my chair, and dunked a piece of that delicious sugary dough. Quietly. I didn't want anyone to discover my contraband, ask for a bite, or nag me that a bite was too much. MY belly. MY bloat. MY Danish...my scale.

Turned on the computer and there it was: ONE EASY EXERCISE DESTROYS BLOOD SUGAR. As I blew a quiet raspberry, a piece of caramel crunch splattered on the monitor. I wiped off  the screen so I could see the next personal attack.

FOUR STAGES TO A HEART ATTACK with a photo of a big toe. Odd. I'd gone to the doctor the day before for excruciating big toe pain, which lasted 24 hours and completely subsided when I sat down for the exam. Doc and I both thought that a bit strange, but strange things have been happening ever since we've changed internet providers. She diagnosed a bacterial infection from a tear in the cuticle bed. She gave me eye drop antibiotics and told me to use two drops every four hours...On. My. Big. Toe! Really?!

Now I know I am old and have one foot in the grave, but the next ad pushed it too far with bold letters: CREMATION vs. BURIAL. I almost died when I saw the price comparisons. Convinced me one day I will finally have a smoking hot body.

The next ad's enticement: TRIPLE X NOT SOLD IN STORES!
I averted my gaze thinking it might have been... well you know.

The visual was an extra large T-shirt imprinted with O'CONNELL...AN ENDLESS LEGEND.

In his own mind, maybe, and no I am not going to buy him something that would make his head swell too big for his own T shirt neck hole.

And then I read the clincher:  CONFLICTED: THE URGE TO HUG AND STRANGLE SOMEONE AT THE SAME TIME 

If I admitted to my doctor I occasionally feel conflicted...well forget it...I am not taking any more of her mismatched medications! Mood altering drugs would probably make me paranoid.

And if I find out who's been spying on me...