Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Battle of the Bulge

Battle of the Bulge (Conversations with myself as I drove to work)

You know you really shouldn't skip breakfast. McDonalds has breakfast biscuits for a buck.
No-no-NO Fatso, keep driving. If you pull into the drive through, you'll pull out with a cinnamon bun.

Darn that crazy driver. Now I missed my exit.
Don't worry Chunky Monkey, Schnucks is up ahead. Buy fresh fruit.

Fresh fruit, yes, an apple. Yum, a melt in my mouth apple turnover.
Butter Butt, did you look in the mirror when you stuffed all that flab into your pants this morning?

WHATEVER! I'm going to love myself the way I am.
The scale says there's more of you to love, Sugar Dumpling. Still want that apple tart?
SHUT UP you tart! I know I have ten more pounds to lose.
Kidding yourself again, Thunder Thighs?

Life is too short; I'm going to pull in and get that apple turnover.
Bimbo, keep eating turnovers and one day you won't be able to turn yourself over.

Listen I am going to love the skin I'm in.
Hey Hunk of Hiney, they make boa constrictor girdles to hold in the skin you're in.

Oh all right! I don't need that junk. I do need to eat better and less, a lot less. I'll be good and eat light and right.
That a girl! Hey Fat Butt...
WHAT!
I just wanted to remind you that if you do skip breakfast and eat a light lunch, there's a buy one get one free dinner buffet coupon on the kitchen counter.

3 comments:

K9friend said...

Sooooo many temptations! Unfortunately, my inner voice sounds too much like an overly enabling Mom..."What can I fix? You look hungry, dear."

BECKY said...

Hilarious, Linda! I think you must be channeling all of our thoughts about food and diets!!

Linda O'Connell said...

Hi Pat and Becky. It is such a struggle. I reward myself for good behavior with a cookie.