Thursday, January 19, 2012

You want a tip? I'll give you a TIP.

Some of you may have read this before. It is a couple of years old. I am so busy this week, meetings every night, I am exhausted when I get home and don't have time to blog. I will catch up. Until then enjoy.

I received an email titled 10 TIPS FOR WOMEN ON HOW TO AVOID BEING ABDUCTED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT This is my response to that bunch of hooey. Linda

TIP #1 Don’t sit in your car balancing your check book.
Well now, that would indicate that I had a balance in my check book. No worry there!

TIP #2 Don’t park next to a van or SUV.
Hellooo. Every soccer mom out there drives one. Just where SHOULD I park when I run intoWal-Mart, next to Billy Bob’s pickup displaying a shotgun in the rear window?

TIP #3 Don’t open the door if you hear a baby crying outside.
Not a chance I’ll open the door.I love them, but I’m not taking in any more strays; I’ve had my share of wailing kittens, puppies and cry babies.

TIP # 4 Your elbow is the strongest part of the body, use it!
Don’t know about your elbow, but mine has a crazy bone that makes my whole arm go numb when I bump it. What kind of weapon would my floppy arm be?

TIP #5 If someone demands your wallet, don’t hand it to them, throw it.
Yeah, uh huh, with the bursitis in my shoulder I can’t even pitch my underwear into the hamper a foot from the tub.

TIP #6 If a person puts a gun to your head and tells you to get in and drive, accelerate; smash into an object. This will deploy your air bags.
Okaayy? So the airbag will cradle my bloody head after the impact causes the criminal’s index finger to depress the trigger?

TIP #7 If someone puts you into the trunk of the car, …
PUTS ME? Come on, not many criminals could lift this hunk of chunky butt into the trunk without drawing attention to one of us groaning loudly.

TIP #8 If you are locked in a trunk, kick out the tail light and wave frantically.
Sure! You think my flailing arm will actually draw more attention than the idiots who drive around with fake arms and tiger tails hanging out of their trunks every Mizzou game weekend?

TIP #9 Beware of men playing on your sympathy. They might ask for help or drop something and ask you to retrieve it.
So what’s new? Every woman knows how helpless men are. We’ve been picking up after them for decades, and now we should refuse to help Pops hobbling on a cane?

TIP #10 If someone actually pulls a gun and orders you into the car, RUN in a zig-zag pattern. Odds of being hit are 4 in100 and the bullet is unlikely to hit a vital organ.
Oh right! Even the thought of moving in a zig-zag pattern makes my vertigo kick in. Besides if my odds of winning at the casino lately are any indication, my chances of survival are pretty slim no matter which choice I make.

19 comments:

Karen Lange said...

You make some excellent points, Linda! You had me chuckling the whole way through. I think our best defense is to be alert...and feisty. :)

Bookie said...

Still good post though...
Sorry you are so busy making your days so long. Don't you think the warm January, lacking snow days, is feeling odd, making people squeeze in more? I don't want disaster but do miss that mid-January snow beauty and the midset of "snow day!".

Cathy C. Hall said...

Well, it was new to me and I laughed out loud. So thanks for the tips!

Chatty Crone said...

You do make some good points - but I still think we have to learn how to take care of ourselves.

Never run alone either!

sandie

Janet, said...

I needed a laugh this morning. Thanks for all the helpful info.

Sioux said...

I think MY arm would be a great weapon. I'll just wave it, and the flappy, floppy skin will hit the perp (over and over, as it continues to waggle) and knock them unconscious.

Susan said...

ha ha ha ha haha That was a funny one, Linda. Submit it. Susan

Claudia Moser said...

Nice post today :)

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

LOL I'll never look at that list the same way again!

Val said...

Gosh darn! The men who come up to me aren't even good abductors. The next time one tries to hand me money in Save A Lot, I'll remind him that he's supposed to DROP it first.

Bouncin Barb said...

Good fun Linda. But seriously, the tips are good and more women should know how to defend themselves. Love your sense of humor.

Lynn said...

I totally lost it on Number 7 with the person trying to put you into the trunk. My husband says, "what are you laughing about?" and so I read them to him. He was laughing too. Thanks... the tears are rolling down my face.

jabblog said...

Very funny!
My number one tip on getting into the car is to lock all the doors!

Jenny Woolf said...

Yes, this adds up to one bit of advice, really, doesn't it? "Don't get abducted in broad daylight"

I always thought legs were the strongest bit of your body because they have the biggest muscles or something, anyhow. :)

Carol said...

Ha! Well put!

irishoma said...

Hi Linda,
I think I've read this list before, but I've never laughed as hard as with your suggestions.
Donna

Susan Sundwall said...

Hmmm. Run in a zig zag pattern. Now would I go left first or right? What if there's snow or worse, ice? So many questions. Fabulous post!

Debora said...

Ok Linda, I saw that list and took it very seriously...even sent it to a few friends. But you've taken something scary and made it sooo hilarious. I love that about you!

Tammy said...

You are so clever. Still laughing....