Tuesday, January 29, 2019

That little dickens!

Did you know you have a wealth of publishable writing material at your disposal if you have a child or grandchild?  
When Alex's mommy was about eight years old, during a presidential election, she heard the news commentator say, "More on candidates at 10:00 p.m."
She looked aghast and said, "I did not know they could call politicians MORONS on national TV."
A prominent publication bought that quip/quote for $100.00.

I have sold many stories that revolved around my kids and grands. 

Now great grandson Alex (17 months) is following in his mommy's footsteps. He repeats words and speaks his own jibberish fluently with inflection, tone, and attitude. But his language is still developing. When he does begin speaking English it will be in paragraphs. I can't wait.

He has been miserable for three weeks; teething is the pits. He had four molars coming in top and bottom, plus he had a cold, and was whiny, and only wanted to be held. He ate very little, and we were worried about him.

As soon as those teeth erupted through the gums he was in better spirits, and I babysat at our house.
I made him scrambled eggs. He sat in his little booster chair on the table, eating his breakfast, as I prepared Liam's.  I heard Alex saying, "Yum-yum." When I checked on him he had cleaned his plate. I bragged and applauded,"Yay! You ate your eggs all gone."

That evening after the boys had gone home, Bill and I were going out to dinner. Because we are experiencing the Polar Vortex, I grabbed my winter coat with furry hood. As I swung it over my shoulders, cooked scrambled eggs flew everywhere!

My coat had been hanging on a kitchen chair, and Alex must have thought he was coaxing a dog or kitty to eat his eggs... "Yum-yum." He had been stuffing them by spoonfuls into the fur around the hood of my coat.

I just submitted that anecdote to a paying site. Maybe they will, or maybe they won't accept it. But I sure bet the person reading will smile.

Friday, January 18, 2019

I know it's not funny, but...

My funny honey makes me laugh every single day. I am so grateful for him.

We took Alex and Liam to breakfast one day. I was picking up food as fast as Alex was dropping it.

He was doing pretty good with a fork and his fingers, so I let him alone and began eating. Bill was joking around with Liam when I noticed Alex drop a tater tot on the floor. I slid my chair over and STEPPED on it. Smashed flatter than a pancake, I picked it up, asked Bill to take it, and...

Before I could tell him to put it on the discard plate, he popped it into his mouth. "What was that flat little thing?"

My mouth and eyes popped opened wide. I could not answer.

He stared at me. "What's wrong? OH NO! You picked that off the floor, didn't you?"

"After I stepped on it," I said with my eyes downcast.

We all laughed and said, "Eew!

Yesterday we were in the car. I was driving. My honey had to sneeze. He rolled down the window and projected his sneeze out into the air. Then he grabbed the bridge of his nose. His astonished expression frightened me. "What?" I asked, thinking he had a nose bleed.

"I think I sneezed my glasses off into traffic. They're gone."

"Um, that's because you don't wear glasses anymore since last week when you had your last eye surgery."

We laughed all the way home.

I am happy for my happy man.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Life is a laugh a minute.

I met Stacey Gustafson, an Erma Bombeck award-winning author, when I was an acquisition editor and developer for Not Your Mother's Book on Family, a Publishing Syndicate anthology.
Stacey's hilarious and relatable submissions stood out. 

Her second book in the Are You Kidding Me? series is available NOW! 

Stacey targets a multi-generational demographic with her family stories. Her wry humor and emotionally resonant wit make her a hit on the stand up comedy circuit. This book will make you laugh out loud.

In addition to her spilling the beans about family, friends and farting husbands, she tells it like it is with hilarious, snarky internal dialogue.

I had a bit of trouble accessing the Amazon Book review site this morning and disturbed my husband, who was trying to access his Solitaire game on line. I asked for his assistance.

He sighed heavily and asked what the title was.

When I replied, "Are You Still Kidding Me?" he said, "Okay just forget about it, then."

Then I explained I wasn't being snarky...

There's a story there, I'm telling you.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Go, snow! or, Read my red flip flops.

I'm sure you've heard by now St. Louis bore the brunt of a 12 inch snowfall. One foot! Deeper for other parts of Missouri, up to 18 inches. 

Keep the cute boots. I prefer summer, with my feet in flip flops or sandals. 

There were over 900 accidents on Friday into Saturday, and sadly, four fatalities. 

My daughter and granddaughter traveled the treacherous roads. Their normal travel time from work to home is about half an hour. It took my daughter four hours. I prayed them home.

Our roads and highways were gridlocked. Semi trucks were stranded overnight on Interstate 44. Our four lane street was bumper to bumper, and even on flat ground, tires were spinning and cars were sliding. Snow plows could not keep up with the snow falling at an inch an hour.

We stayed in our jammies all day Saturday and watched a great family movie on Amazon or Netflix, called Wonder. It should be mandatory viewing in all schools.

Snow used to mean I made a mad dash to the bakery and devoured a few donuts over the course of being house bound. Not this time. Pasta with fresh spinach, ONE Oreo thin and TWO chocolate chip thin cookies. I'm going to show that doctor I can get my cholesterol down in three months. I am determined.

I babysat butterball Charlie on Wednesday. He reminds me of a baby doll I used to have.

On Saturday Mommy and Daddy bundled him in his baby blue snow suit.

Liam was ready to dive into the deep snow as soon as he woke up and looked outside.

Alex was like the little kid in the Christmas Story, so bundled up he couldn't walk. But he could wail!

They all built a snowman and enjoyed this white fluff. Saturday they received more snow....enough to bury the snowman's bottom half.

I'll enjoy this snow when it has returned to its former form: all liquid.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

You sure the Fed's shut down? Or just hang up!

I do not need a knee brace,
or one for an aching back.
My elbow still bends well,
and my joints aren't out of whack.

I told the man who called me
I do not need a brace,
then he started yapping.
This guy was in a race
to provide me information
about a freebie from Medicare.
"It's a very lightweight brace,
you can wear it anywhere."

"I will not wear it here nor there,
I will not where it anywhere.
I do not need a brace.
I'm in good health," I did insist.

"But Ms. Linda, it is absolutely free;
it won't cost you a dime."
"Put me on the no call list.
I do not have the time!"

Friday, January 4, 2019

Somebody is confused

The new Year is bringing changes to our lives. Hubby has to have a knee surgery, which means I will continue to be designated driver for six weeks post surgery.

Bill has been dealing with doctors, therapists, specialists of all kinds. This too shall pass.

After having an MRI yesterday we stopped at the pharmacy to pick up a routine prescription. The pharmacist said, "That will be $60.59 for the inhaler your doctor just ordered."

Had to convince the guy Bill did not see the doctor, nor did he need an inhaler.

There was a message to call same doctor on the answering machine. I mistakenly reversed the number. I was in the bathroom when my hearing impaired hubby dialed on speaker phone. I heard the woman answer, "(?) Bar and Grill."

Bill asked, "Is Stacey there?"

"Can you call her back?"

He called back. Same gal answered.

"Can I speak with Stacey?"

I screamed from the bathroom, "You are calling a bar!"

He thought I wanted a bar. He finally called the right number only to find out the lab didn't do his quarterly blood test for platelets correctly, after he told the person how the doctor said the procedure should be done.

The phlebotomist said, "They don't know what they are talking about!"

Somebody doesn't. He is on his way at 7:00 a.m to have his blood drawn again. And so the fun begins.

Appreciate prayers, and good thoughts for the big guy and all the medical people he has to deal with. Not sure when surgery will be scheduled.