Saturday, December 20, 2014

The show must go on...

All I can say is, it's a good thing I decided to wear slacks and not a dress to my holiday performance.

Squeezing my not-quite-(yet)-queen-size butt into a pair of control top pantyhose was unbelievably difficult. I was lucky to discover an unopened XL pair in a box in the back of the dresser drawer.
Brand new I'm telling you! How lucky could I get? They must have been in there for five or six years.

Right before I left for my school performance, I used all my oomph to squeeze every ounce of my
uhm-huh! into those boa constrictor tight spandex hose. I refrained from drinking any punch, for fear of having to go to the bathroom and having to fight the good fight again.

The Christmas Program was held in the school gymnasium. I walked across the half acre gym to the rear entrance door to admit people. By the time I got to the door, I was consciously aware of my dressy black slacks on my rear end. I could feel an odd crease across the bottom of my cheeks. And I don't mean my smiler.

 I leaned my back against the door and discreetly inserted my hand into the back of my pants and yanked what I thought was the waistband of my pantyhose. Turned out to be my undies. OUCH. I winced when I gave myself an unexpected wedgie. I strolled across that ACRE gym again and high tailed it to the bathroom. I bumped into Bill as he was heading to the coach's room to get into his Santa suit.

"Psst! Hey you! Come in here!"

He back tracked three steps, and said, "I thought I heard somebody. What's wrong?"

"I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. I feel something odd. Do you see a crease or a seam across my backside through my slacks?"

That was too much for him to process, so I yanked him into the john and locked the door. "Help me!"

I raised my fancy blouse up and tugged my dressy black slacks down. We both saw it. He walked out of the bathroom laughing, and "Ho-Ho-Ho-ing" and wiping his eyes.

My pantyhose had sproinged; the elasticity had thoroughly disintegrated. The control panel was stretched out of shape and had rolled to my crotch. I'm thinking these may have been in the drawer for not 5 years but maybe 15 or 16 years, come to think of it. Good thing I had slacks on or they'd have kept travelling and been at my ankles.

I received my cue to get the kids. No time to remove my defective hose...I yanked the stretched out panty part up, tucked the waistband into my undies waistband, and the show went on. The kids did great. For an hour, I could feel the slow shift taking place every time I moved, bent down, dressed a child in costume or led them on or off stage or across that damned TWO ACRE gym.

As people were leaving, my boss and I stood at the back door. I said, "You won't believe this. My pantyhose are out of control. They've lost their oomph and are drooping under my butt."

She whispered back, "Well I had a worse problem. Mine rolled down when I sat, and they dug into my stomach so hard they cut off my circulation. My legs went to sleep, then my butt, and I couldn't even get up to walk."

We hobbled across that damned THREE ACRE gymnasium, and I beat her to the bathroom.

Two weeks off. We need it!


Bookie said...

So funny and so real.
Been there so many time times. Know my solution? I threw them all away. Never wear a skirt. Have lovely pants and jeans with Gold Toe socks and decorate the heck out of this hulk with scarves and bling, hope people only see the masts and not the bulk of the USS Constitution!

Val said...

I wonder if anybody has ever filed a workers' compensation claim for such a loss of sensation.

Mevely317 said...

Oh Linda, I'm chortling over here! Just a few months back, I posted about my own love/hate affair with 'panty nylons.'
Thank you for the laughter ... and mostly the realization, we're pretty much all in the same boat!

Sioux Roslawski said...

Pantyhose are awful. They do horrid things to my gut, no matter what size I buy.

And to stop Bill's laughter, maybe HE needs to wear a pair for a day and see how he likes it.

Tammy said...

Thank you for sharing your out-of-control control top story. I will be laughing all day...right after I go check my drawers for any ancient hose, which I undoubtedly have, too!

Alice said...

Hilarious. Been there done that Just quit wearing them altogether. Keep the stories coming Everyone needs a good Laugh this time of year!

noexcuses said...

Loved this story! Thanks for sharing. I've been there, too, but never carried it off like you! Kudos to you for keeping calm!

Unknown said...

Yep, been there too! Thanks for the laugh this morning -- and Merry Christmas!

Susan said...

Linda, that was a hilarious story. I needed a good chuckle tonight. I'm finally getting a moment to do some blog reading. It's been crazy busy, I tell ya.

Well, you know. Hope your Christmas is beautiful and filled with love. Susan

Connie said...

Oh my gosh. I hate control top pantyhose. Why do we put ourselves through such torture? Funny piece, Linda. Thanks for the chuckles. :-D