As I sit in my soft, extra padded office chair I
wonder: how did my soft, extra padded
bottom get so wide that it now spreads to the edge of my seat?
I raised my shirt to see about an itch on my stomach.
I looked down and wondered whose gut was on display. I thought I only had
wrinkles on my face! I rushed to the full length mirror and shivered in fright
at the gut gulleys that will soon fill in with flab. I tried to straighten up
and stretch my torso taut.
Who am I kidding? I may as well wait for the filler.
It's not like spritzing a T shirt and stretching the material to reshape it.
Reaching overhead did raise a couple of questions. Do I really need a new bra
with heavy duty straps, or do I just need to improve my posture? Instead of "Writer,
Butt-In-Chair", maybe I need to get my butt out and jazz it up. Not gussy
it up, jazz around the house, move it like a sugared up preschooler. Goodness
knows I eat enough sugar.
I'm anticipating the Olympics since the Super Bowl
was such a flop. I thought of my high school senior year. I was physically fit.
My bottom fit into a size 10 (for twenty-five subsequent years) and I could "haul
ass" as kids used to say. Although, as someone I know playfully says, it would probably take two trips these days.
He isn't funny. Don't laugh!
He isn't funny. Don't laugh!
Seriously, although I was fit, I failed the
Presidential Physical Fitness test, because even if my life depended on it, I
could not do a push up or climb a rope. But I could do sit ups in time to
chewing bubble gum. I outpaced everyone. I hated running and couldn't toss a
ball to first base, but you should have seen my long jump...even though it
ended as a face plant.
The P.E. activity I liked most was the stationary
horses and parallel bars. I could run, mount, swing my legs up and over, hover.
I had tight buns, abs of steel and imaginary boobs. As I walked down the hallowed
halls to the new gymnasium for the last time, I wondered if I could retain my
figure without the fitness props. How long would it be before my body betrayed
me?
I'm here to tell you, it's been a slow betrayal, but the
day has come. My hiney is hefty, my boobs are heavy, and SNOW, mucho snow is on the way. I will get my butt out of this chair, and I'll probably end up under a cozy blanket on the couch if tomorrow is a school snow day.
If this weather ever clears, I vow to get my
gluteus maximus up and shake a tail feather. Oh how I used to
love to dance to that song!