Thursday, June 30, 2011

Artificial Intelligence, Satellite Sally

We have been traveling to Florida for years and have never needed anything more than a fold up, paper road map. I can tell you where every single Shoney's Restaurant is along the way. But, one time, one lousy time, I had the map upside down and we drove in circles for ... LESS than an hour. He told everyone when we got home, and the kids felt sorry for him and replaced ME with her.

My Husband’s Gal Pal Sweetie

My husband has a girlfriend,
and he acts like I don’t know.
She sits up front between us.
He invites her everywhere we go.

I asked him quite directly what
their relationship might be.
“She’s just my gal pal sweetie”
Who’s he calling sweetie? Is it her, or is it me?

She’s got a phony little voice, sweet as sugar candy.
He hangs on every word she says, he thinks that she’s just dandy.
I’ve even seen him fondle her when he thinks that I don’t see.
He fiddles with her buttons, but he hardly touches me.

They carry on like I’m not there, and if I dare to take a nap,
he asks HER for directions and says, “My wife can’t read a map.”
He thinks she’s smart and talented, because she knows her way around.
If Satellite Sally keeps yapping, I’m going to take her down.

I can’t stand to hear her voice, and if he touches her one more time
I’m going to toss her out the window and show her he’s still my mine.
He says he loves me more than her; he assures me every day,
but his Gal Pal Sweetie - GPS he calls her - is getting in the way.

Ironically, we were headed toward Ole Miss; I could see it up ahead on the left and my Shoney's on the right. I shouted, "Turn RIGHT!"

His chick-a-dee chirped, "Turn left at the intersection."

"Don't listen to HER! Shoney's is on the right." I yelled.

"I heard what SHE said," he said.

He swung that camper left and after driving less than a mile, finding no place to turn that hunk of metal around, he had to admit I was right and she was wrong."



Kim Lehnhoff said...

lol! This was wonderful!

I chose a male voice for my GPS. The name on the CD said Tom.

Just what I need, ANOTHER Tom telling me where to go.

Sioux Roslawski said...

Hilarious! Only you, Linda, could write a "racy" poem about GPS.

Unlike you, I am in love with "my guy." He needs to get gender surgery done (he speaks with a feminine voice, but his name--Tom Tom--hints he might come from a mother or father who stuttered) but he definitely takes charge when I am traveling in unknown territory.

BECKY said...

This is one of the best poems you've ever my humble opinion! Hilarious! And yeah....those NCTs (Newfangled Contraption Thingys) CAN be wrong sometimes!! Just look at Mapquest and Google Map online! Many times they are wrong!! Loved this, Linda!

Unknown said...

I wouldn't go anywhere out of town without my special Gal. I don't love her as much as I do Linda my wife but she does hold a special place in my being. She's not perfect and I have found that I have to use my brain sometimes when we get close but that is OK.
Loved your poem.

Claudia Moser said...

Very funny and yes the devices can be mean sometimes :)

Bookie said...

Your poem catches the spirit of marriage with a new tech in between the couple!

Val said...

Just yesterday, when I picked up a package at my dead-mouse-smelling post office, the clerk took a call from a job applicant who was lost, due to using GPS. The clerk said the same thing had happened to her when she came for an interview. Which did nothing to dispel my belief that I live in the middle of nowhere.

We got lost going to Ole Miss, but I refuse to take responsibility. Our basketball camp caravan outran us. We reunited by accident at a gas station.

Debora said...

Clever, clever, clever! We don't have GPS, and since hubby won't follow my directions; we do the tried and true. Travel around for hours then stop at a service station where I am forced to ask for directions; because as we all know it's a biological impossibility for a man to ask for directions...

Susan said...

Oh, that was adorable Linda. Very humorous. And I loved the ending...neiner neiner na na na . Never heard that. Did you make that up? Susan

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Hahaha! Great poem. My hubby's "girlfriend" is named Jennifer, and when I borrow her I miss so many turns all she ever says to me is, "Recalculating!"

Lynn said...

That's so funny.

Tammy said...

I'm so glad you proved you were smarter than she is. Those things are so rude. They interrupt!