Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dealing with the pros

She told me to lie down. I started to slide my jeans off my hips, but she said, "Stop! Don't take your pants off, just open your zipper. Wide." Then she positioned my legs inward until they were taut and she strapped them to a divider between my ankles. Misery, that Kathy Bates movie came to mind.

Last time I was strapped down, my feet were in the stirrups, and my wrists were tied too. That was forty-one years ago when I gave birth in army hospital in Alaska. I broke free of those wrist straps, sat up and had to see my newborn across the room. Then, I passed out.

Today's experience wasn't quite that bad. I had a bit of vertigo, but I didn't pass out, although the whole thing certainly evoked those bad memories. I had a painless bone density scan. Results forthcoming.

I dread going to the dentist, eye doctor, imaging center, or for my mammy whammy examy. It's always something! Saving one tooth is more expensive than saving a beached whale. My teenaged dentist, okay she's thirty, asked if I wanted to correct my crooked teeth.

"Of course I do, but I think I'll invest in wrinkle removal first."
She exposed her perfect pearly whites, laughed and said, "Can't help you there."

Being able to see George Clooney's features from across the room is now going to cost me a few hundred bucks, because squinting no longer works and glasses are now in order. I lose my dollar store readers all the time, what AM I going to do?

My last mammogram had a suspicious indicator, and I had to go back the next day for more tests. Both those bimbos turned out okay, thank God.

And now, old bony marony here is going to discover not only is my head hollow but my hips probably are too. I have one question, if my bones are thinning, why isn't my hiney?

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