Thursday, January 2, 2014

From fat to flat in four months? Hrmph!

My New Year resolution is to downsize. I've already donated half of our holiday decorations. I rearranged the living room, which left less knick-knack space, so I also donated the "pretties."

Right before Christmas we donated our old bedroom furniture to St. Vincent DePaul charity resale.

Bill called grandson #1 with a truck, and right before closing time, they pulled up to the dock. The manager said in no uncertain terms she was not accepting any donations. Hubby looked stricken, and the haggling began.

He:    "I know it's late but we will help carry it in."
She:  "No! Come back tomorrow."
He:   "Please? What if we just leave it here on the dock?"
She:  "We'll put it in the dumpster." (yeah right)
He:   "My grandson came from far away to help. We won't have this truck tomorrow."
She:  "We'll be closing in five."
He:   "We can have it off this truck in less than five."

Begrudgingly, she looked the gift horse in the mouth, nodded, nudged the dock worker and refused to meet my husband's eye.

Ridding ourselves of clutter makes the house look cleaner, especially with the new dresser top bare instead of overflowing with stuff.

I am not a minimalist, but I am becoming an "I Need Lessist."

What I really need is less black pants in three sizes. The pair I bought for New Year's Eve has a stretch waist band, because I'd rather see a letter on the tag than a new number!

We sat with two other couples. The younger, thin woman picked at her food, examined every morsel, discussed carbs, and dairy and sugars with her husband before delicately nibbling.

I told her I teach at a school for children with food allergies, and I asked if she had allergies.

"No, I am trying to control my sugar without experiencing keratosis... because you need fat to hold your internal organs, but the fats you need... blah-blah-blah.  People keep asking me how I have lost so much weight since September, and they do not believe my scale reads the same thing as it did back then. Look at my stomach. It hasn't been this flat since...blah-blah-blah...I can't believe I've gone from a size 14 to a size 4, and my weight hasn't changed one pound."

I haven't been a size four since I was four years old.

"You want to know how I did it?" she asked.
I bit...into a buttered roll, stuffed a spoonful of mashed potatoes in my mouth and asked, "HOW?"

"I don't eat carbs or processed food anymore. I eat a hard boiled egg and string cheese for breakfast. No breads or cereal unless it's Grape Nuts." Gag me! Egg yolk EVERY day? Possibly break my teeth on that rock cereal...I don't think so.

"Mid morning I snack on ham chunks. Noon, I eat a salad and piece of protein. Mid afternoon I eat no calories at all: peanut butter smeared celery, and then for dinner, sweet potatoes and lean meat. Never ever French fries or breads or donuts or..." I'm tuning your skinny ass out. I tunneled into my pasta.

I know that I do need to downsize my scale number, my bra size, my underwear size...oh yeah, did I tell you, while unloading the dresser, grandson pulled out one of the drawers and a pair of my bright white granny panties went air born and lit up the night? The 20 year old was so embarrassed Bill had to retrieve them and stuff them in his pocket before they landed at the kid's feet.

So, on Wednesday, January 1st, I came to terms with myself.  I got out the egg carton and removed a dozen eggs. I boiled ten.
I fried the other two, cooked up a pan of bacon, prepared a tray of biscuits and got out the real cream butter. My "new year" doesn't start until I go back to school. If the predicted snow arrives, I may be nibbling chocolate covered pretzels a few more days. Then, it's all over for me and my carb loaded bottom.

I will keep you apprized of my weight loss endeavors.


Sioux Roslawski said...

Maybe you and I can downsize together? I took a sailboat lesson at Creve Couer Lake Park over the break, we lost one of the sails, and we were able to use my pair of granny-panties in its place. When it unfurled, it looked like the Nina, the Pinta AND the Santa Maria were ALL sailing into port...

Don't downsize too much. Then it would look like Sasquatch has captured a miniature doll...

Bookie said...

Mercy, aren't we all in the same place! So tiresome beginning the same old goals over all the time. It would helps to see the tiniest bit of progress to keep us on the path. A month of eating and if only a day would light our path with visible loss, we could keep at it! It seems by this age we have earned the right to enjoy goodies without consequences!!!!

Debra Mayhew said...

Hahaa! I feel your pain, Linda. My addiction to sweet tea and french fries has gained me 10 pounds since last summer. I'm determined to get it off, but I'm also determined to stay realistic. I know I'll never stick with something as rigid as that lady did, but I'll try to use a little common sense. Thanks for the laugh - we need to remember there are so many more important things in life than the number on the scale!

Julia Gordon-Bramer said...

Ha ha! Yeah, I am trying to downsize, both in stuff and fat, as well. Solidarity!

Susan said...

Hilarious piece, Linda. I think I would have overturned my pasta on the skinny-assed dieter. hee hee hee Don't you just hate it when people go on and on about their strict diets?

I know, I know. I'll be continuing to work hard on weight loss this year. No choice. Blood pressure's up. Not funny.

Good luck. Will be chomping down carrots and celery with you! Susan

Tammy said...

I can definitely relate to the need to simplify. Only problem is, some of those diets are anything but simple, like you said. And what's with those charities who have to be bargained with in order to accept your (generous!) donation??! A lot of them have lists on their websites about what they don't accept!

Southhamsdarling said...

Hi Linda. I can't think of anything more boring than sitting next to that lady, who was almost afraid to eat anything! I bet she's real fun to live with - NOT! This post gave me a smile again today, so thank you for that.

Connie said...

I hear you. My house and my self both could use some downsizing too. Good luck! Happy New Year to you!

Mevely317 said...

Oh my gosh, Linda ... anymore recollections from that dinner party and I'd have been having an 'adult accident' over here at the computer. (TMI?) Didn't you want to stuff a sock in her mouth?

I've begun a low-carb regime.
(Again. *Sigh*)
What with my voracious appetite (think 16-y/o boy), that seems the only thing that works.

Looking forward to reading more!


Val said...

Few things annoy me more than sitting down to eat with a self-appointed food-analyzer. It happens now and then at the teacher lunch table. I want to scream "STOP OBSESSING!" I don't. But I want to. My other tactic would be to ask, " think I need to lose weight?" However, I'm afraid they would have no qualms about answering.

Pat Wahler said...

I don't think the holiday season is truly over until mid-January. Therefore, I eat.

Critter Alley

River said...

Two years ago I set myself a goal of losing 20 pounds by Christmas which was then eight months away; my goal was to fit once more into a favourite skirt.
Didn't happen.
The skirt still has a six inch gap in the waist band where the button is supposed to meet the buttonhole....