Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Almost an R-rated Santa

My husband graciously agreed to don the Santa suit and play Ho-Ho for my preschool classes when the dad who usually does the job had to have knee surgery.
"Make sure I have a mirror," Bill said.
He had a closet!
"You can't leave me here to get dressed by myself."
"You'll be fine." I had more faith in him than he did in himself.
"Wait, come back here and help me get the wig on straight!"
Pull the hat down over your ears and no one will notice if it's cock-eyed."
I click-clacked away on my high heels and greeted the audience, of over two hundred.

As my little students performed, one baby climbed up on stage like a chimpanzee escaping from her mother. I had to rescue her.

A little boy sang louder than all the rest, "Let's all do a little jumping." At that, his pants fell of his skinny little butt and pooled around his ankles. He laughed, his mother hissed from the audience and ran up on stage to hike his drawers when he refused.

A seated litle girl flipped over backwards from the riser and landed in the velvet curtain, feet int he air, stuck like a flannel board character, velvet to velvet.

The show was becoming a comedy. I talked about the fun of Santa and the true meaning of Christmas. We sang about Baby Jesus. Then, it was time for the big guy to exit the closet on cue: Jingle Bells. I forgot he was hard of hearing, and when he didn't bound into the room, I worried. I invited the audience to sing a rousing rendition of Jingle Bells. Hard of hearing Santa heard them and came Ho-Hoing into the room with his sack upon his back, and as he came close to the stage I saw it!

I gasped and jumped off the stage and bellied up to Santa. "X-Y-Z" I shouted in his ear. He grabbed the mike and obligingly sang, "A-B-C-D-E-F-G"
NO! I shouted, Santa, X-Y-Z!

He finished the ABC song as I shook my head and screeched,"eXamine Your Zipper, X-Y-Z!"

He looked down and saw that in his haste to get dressed, he had cinched the bottom of his Santa jacket into the belt, his red velevet draw string pants wide open, exposing his blue jeans, thank goodness.

He shouted in my ear, "Why didn't you just say, "Your barn door's open? I don't
understand your lingo. I thought you wanted me to sing the A-B-Cs to the kids."

It was a pageant to remember, one that is being talked about all over the world. This true story was published in The Ultimate Christmas 2008.

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