NO freaking way.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
I kid you not!
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Billie, my Sweet William
New Year's Eve was one we'll talk about for a long time. My honey and I were to meet another couple at a banquet hall. We walked in to meet our friends and saw another couple seated at our table for ten. The woman and Bill screeched, laughed, hugged. Everyone looked on bewildered. I imagined it was an old girlfriend as she giggled and shouted, "NO! Not you! At OUR table?" Turns out she was one of his team members from volleyball from two years ago. They were old buddies.
The three of us couples all got along very well and wondered aloud about the other couples who would soon be seated at our table. In walks a young, thin woman, perhaps thirty years old, standing six feet two, wearing a glitzy formal and goofy grin, towering a full twelve inches over a thin, bearded man, perhaps 70 years old (Willy Nelson without the pony tail). We all smiled and greeted them. So nice of her to bring her father for New Year's.
He reached into his pocket and retrieved a fat, bullet-shaped, palm-sized, two piece, wooden object and twanged, "Watch this! You all look like idiots, so you can all try this." He proceeded to hook the rocket shaped top to the bottom half with a rubber band and snapped it. Then he pulled it apart and said, "I want you all to try it." I whispered to Bill's volley ball friend, "That play toy looks like something I don't ever want to touch." She snorted.
Bill tried, and of course it wouldn't work. Her father cackled and said, "It's an idiot's toy. It's a trick, see? Here-here, ladies, you try."
NO freaking way.
NO freaking way.
I smiled at the poor old soul and thought, How nice of this young lady to bring her dad out of THE HOME for New Year's Eve.
He picked up his daughter's hand, introduced her and kissed the top of her hand. She returned the gesture, slobbering and licking all over his hand. He looked at my Bill and said, "We may have a big age difference between us, but I love my wife."
She flashed her bejeweled wet, left hand, puckered up and said, "And baby, I love you, too." They swapped spit like teenagers in heat.
Sometimes smiling and nodding is all you can do. He looked at all of us seated around the table.
"My name's Walter, what's yours?" he asked.
Bill stated his name. Our friend (also Bill) stated his name, and the old guy looked suspiciously around the table at us. I pointed to my girlfriend to my left and said, "This is my friend, Bill, and my name is Bill."
Bill's volleyball friend, Peggy said, "And my name is Billie, and this is my date, Bill."
That'll teach the old buzzard to call our table a bunch of idiots.
Turns out he was rolling in dough $$ and they were both liquored up before they even arrived. He stated that he was still working as a utility line man. I whispered cattily to the female "Bill's" on either side of me that she probably was a pole climber too and I'd bet a week's pay that they met in a bar where her dance alias was Billie Jean.
I know, I wasn't nice, but oh boy did we "idiots" have fun laughing.
The May-December couple continued to get blitzed-er. None of the rest of us at the table drank alcohol. At the stroke of midnight, the odd couple stood up to stagger around the table and hug each of us. I slid down in my chair and hid under the long white linen table cloth. One of the "idiots" pulled the table cloth back and revealed my whereabouts. This sent the odd couple into swaying, hysterical laughter. She bellowed, "Ha-ha-ha-ha, and I thought I was drunk! She's way drunker than me. I haven't even thrown up yet, and she's already under the table."
I should have stayed there. She leaned WAYYY down to hug me and he reached over and patted me on the head. Then, they shouted, "Happy New Year!" and weaved their way to the foyer and out to their car. "God help all of us!" I said aloud.
I also said a silent prayer that they'd arrive home safely.
This was one of the most memorable New Year's Eves we've ever had.
And how does yours compare? None of this is even slightly embellished. Ask, Bill...any of them.P.S. The fifth couple never showed up. Thank goodness.