Friday, December 31, 2010

What makes us say and do these things?

It was another day of belly laughing for me. My coworker and I had a two hour lunch with a dear friend. She is hysterically funny, has a wonderful and sometimes warped sense of humor. She is so fun to be with. She said she is concerned that on the verge of her fiftieth birthday, she just might be on the verge of menopause. "What ARE hot flashes? I don't think I've ever had one. Everything in the lady department seems to be regular. But I think it's menopause causing my erratic symptoms."

"Well, then, what are your symptoms?" we asked.

"This crazy snake lady comes out of my head, (she entwined her hands overhead like she was doing the Flamenco), wraps around anything or anyone that gets in my way and makes me say things I would never say. I am losing my filter."

It's excusbale, we told her. In fact, I read somewhere that elderly Native American women are forgiven all of their foibles. They can get away with saying anything after menopause.

"Since my husband lost his job, he tends bar sometimes at an upscale restaurant. I am not jealous. I knew he would be out late, so I went to bed. During the night I was awakened by our six year old who had climbed into bed with me, rolled over and plowed into my gut. When I sat up and looked at the clock, this snake-head lady erupted out of my head. I dialed my husband's cell phone. He answered after a few rings and sounded groggy (or drunk). I tore into him. "Do you know how unfair it is of you to make me worry like this? A phone call is all I ask for. There are only two places you could possibly be at this hour, either at a bar or at someone's house. It is 2:30 in the morning and all I want is the truth from you. Where the hell are you!"

Quietly, he replied, "In the other room, trying to sleep in our son's bed."

We were laughing so hard and loud, gasping for air. The manager at Panera Bread Company walked over to us, and when he saw that he did not have to dial 911 for three simultaneous chokers, he feigned interest in removing our dishes. I teach preschool, and I know the art of distraction vs. confrontation. I'm sure he would have urged us to take it down a notch or leave, except he caught a glimpse of the snakes unfurling from our peri-menopausal, smack-dab-in-the middle of menopause, and post-menopausal heads.

Care to share your embarrassing moment? Laughter is good for the system and soul.


Sioux Roslawski said...

I was at a college, signing up for a summer class, and had on a skirt. Of course, everyone else in line with me was young--18-21 years old--but I thought I did not look TOO out of place, even though I was in my late 40's.

Suddenly, I felt my half-slip heave its last breath. It was an ancient slip, and the elastic had lost ALL elasticity.

I tried to get a grip on the slip, as it inched downwards, but the slip was determined to reign as victor.

My only option: I let it fall to my ankles, quickly stepped out of it, and stuffed it into my purse, happy I would (probably) never see these kids again.

A more recent one: I was pulled over for going a little too fast on the highway. The officer came to the passenger side and asked for the usual paperwork. I had to tell him, "Listen, I don't have drugs or a weapon in this car, but I DO have a gross of tampons in my glove compartment, and I'm a bit embarrassed." He laughed, said he always had to go to the store for his wife to get those things, and when I opened my glove compartment (praying he would go back and check my license, but he stood there, and was witness to the explosion) and dozens of OB tampons shot out of the glove compartment into the air and showered me. (Because of the state of paramenopause/menopause I was in, I never knew when IT would happen next, and I wanted to always be prepared...)

I think the officer was so entertained, or felt so sorry for me, I did not get a ticket.

Linda O'Connell said...

This is hysterical. We should collaborate on a menopause book.

Donna Volkenannt said...

You two are too funny. I'm laughing as I type.

Just the other day at Barnes and Noble a few writer friends got together for lunch. During our lengthy and at time hilarious conversation I mentioned to keep our critique group on track I was going to set a time limit of five minutes for readers. I wanted to know if any of them knew where I could buy a gong to sound when time was up.
As I was leaving, one of the women (who shall be nameless, but you both know her and she might want to post about it herself) said, "See ya Tuesday at critique group. Don't forget to bring your bong."
We all cracked up, and several of the folks in the book store gave us weird looks. But I don't think I was as embarrassed as the person who made the comment.
Happy New Year, Linda. Keep up the excellent posts with your blog.

BECKY said...

OMG, Donna!! Go can tell everyone it was ME!! I STILL start laughing out loud, every time I think of that! I was laying in bed the other night, trying to go to sleep, and that popped back into my head and I began to snicker, as in church, because I didn't want to wake The Ronald!! :D

BECKY said...

P.S. EVERY time I get together with girl friends, and especially Writer Girl Friends, we all laugh so much, we're afraid we'll get kicked out of the place, too!

Bookie said...

You all are sounding like you have too much fun! Women have extra bodily burdens but are compensated by ability to laugh. Have you ever heard men laugh at themselves like this? Noooooo......

Tammy said...

This post has given me such a nice New Year's Eve laugh!! This is a minor one by my standards, but I once bought nothing but a box of tampons and a bag of chocolate at the grocery store...and the checkout boy and the bagger boy exchanged glances and snickered.

Now I have the crazy snake lady, too, but I embrace her. People took advantage of me when I was snakeless. And I love how I can laugh too loudly and know that no one will yell at me because who dares to yell at an old lady?!

Tracey Simpson said...

Mom, that was a great story! Liked the one after yours, too. You sure do have a talent & are funny :)

Lynn said...

Ahh, so that's what happens when things come out of my mouth-- it's the crazy snake!

Pat Wahler said...

Hey, I'll share my embarrasing moments some day in print. And the heft of it all will rival Gone With the Volume I.


Julia Gordon-Bramer said...

Too funny!

As someone with a bad thyroid, I have always had hot flashes, but I am noticing they are more often, and more people tease me about blushing these days. Sigh. I am pretty sure that the M-word is what is going on. The crazy snake is another norm for me. I have never held it in. Look out world, if I get worse!